Disappointment . . . and a Job Well Done

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Disappointing Your Parents

I’ve been contemplating lately the role of disappointment . . . as a parent.

For example, I am sure some of the life choices my wife and I have made undoubtably were disappointments to our parents. Things like turning down jobs (several times) at the college where my parents worked for 51 years. Perhaps choosing to homeschool our six children. Maybe others. Fortunately, we were blessed with parents that have what behavioral health professionals call “good boundaries” —also what we used to call “minding your own business”—and any disappointments they may have felt were not passed on to us. Thank you Mom and Dad on both sides!

Being the Disappointed

Now, the “shoe is on the other foot.” I am the aging parent with adult children. My wife and I, recognizing the “gift” of not being burdened with our parents disappointments,* if any, are careful to not dump our emotional churning on our children. (Note to my children: No, none of you have “been disappointments” to us as parents. We remain, very blessed to have kids making great choices and doing great things with their lives.)

I bring this up to share the following . . . the very fact that your children make choices that disappoint you* may be an indicator that you have actually done a good job as a parent! Your children are independent. They are learning and growing. They are taking on the challenges of life. They make make mistakes, but who doesn’t? Well done.

Remembering Your Boundaries . . . Internally and Externally: An Example

An little aside: I like stories. They are great tutors. Whether great literature, oral history, or a pithy example . . . I used to love “Drama in Real Life” in Reader’s Digest. It was the first thing I read. So, I remember, and tell, stories. They help me understand and grow . . . here’s one of mine to, hopefully, help make the point and make it memorable for you. Incidentally, I asked my kid permission to share this . . . . (yes, I am making a point!)

One of my terrific kids was on the brink of making a decision that could have been tabled a “disappointment.” It started one day when he came to me and said, “Dad, I talked to my boss and he’s okay with my plan to leave the company and go to Denmark for a year.” He was nineteen. Nineteen! He also was a homeschooled kid and had never lived anywhere except in our home. In fact, I don’t know that he had ever been away from us for more than a day or two.

My mind raced . . . “WHAT! YOU TALKED TO YOUR BOSS BEFORE YOU TALKED TO US?” (I don’t know about you, but the voice in my head at these times feels often quite LOUD and worth of all caps!) “DENMARK, THAT”S CRAZY!” (my internal voice isn’t very reasonable either) “I THINK THIS IS ‘CAUSE THAT GIRL DUMPED YOU!” Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of practice and not spewing—as a human volcano—but recognize these as an indicator to “go cautiously.” Outwardly, I focused on asking questions and listening. “Why Denmark?” and “What would you be doing?” finally, “Do you know anyone in Denmark?” I told him, that I loved Europe (true) and enjoyed traveling and studying there as a young man. (also true) Then I basically shut up . . . and waited. For four . . . long, long . . . days.

After those four—did I mention “long?”—days, I broached the subject again. “Can I talk to you about the Denmark thing?” I asked. I reiterated what I had said earlier, essentially, that I loved Europe, thought traveling abroad is a great thing to do as a young person, and that I knew the final choice was his. (Note external boundary here—he was legally an adult.) I also told him that going to Denmark seemed like a big step and that I would like him to consider a smaller step first. I told him that his mother and I travelled, twice, to Europe but that we had each other, and even then we cut our second trip short (after two months) and came home. I reminded him that he had never lived on his own and I suggested some possible smaller steps.

Then . . . what seemed like a miracle . . . my son replied, “Well, I already decided, after we discussed it, that this was a mistake . . . and I should do something smaller. I’ve decided to travel around the Midwest and work on local farms.” (A movement, apparently, called WWOOFing.) My mind, already rejoicing with relief, laughed, thinking “We really didn’t discuss it. I simply let you talk.” I also noted to my surprise, “Wow my kid’s a lot smarter than I give him credit for!” A fact I never would have discovered if I unleashed my fear of being disappointed by the decision.

Boundaries are easy to talk about hard in practice.

Parents as Owners in Family Business . . . Beware!

If you are a family business owner, you need to engage in this same process . . . of separating from and allowing independence. Let the kids learn. Let them make choices. Support but don’t criticize. Turn over control. (No, really!) Become an advisor. Demonstrate good boundaries and an appropriate “distance” within the business. Be ready to step in as a safety net . . . but only with the consent of your kids . . . and not too soon (safety nets do not, after all, leap up to catch a tightrope walker do they?) . . . lest you rob them of the opportunity to overcome a real or perceived threat to the business, learn, and become strong leaders.

* In talking about disappointments, I am referring simply to choices. Choices that you, as a parent, may not agree are the best choices. I am not talking about ignoring potentially catastrophic decisions —such as addiction, criminal behavior, still living in the basement, or other life-altering and threatening choices. Too often, this requires a totally different set of actions . . . and more stringent boundaries as well.

Free Resource: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

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Preventing and Handling Conflict in Family Business

Plan or fail. Is your family business proactive about protecting the family in the business?

The following is an excerpt from our free eBook. Family Legacy: Protecting Family in Family Business.

Preventing Conflict

Rarely do families implement guidelines or procedures for managing family interactions within a family business. However, in many consulting situations, ground rules for communication are a helpful tool. Consultants who work in emotionally-charged groups will often set up guidelines for communication to help the consulting process succeed. Thus a simple rule such as “Refer to titles not people” or “Only speak for yourself” can help to reduce the risk of escalating conflict, as a comment like “Everybody knows that Robert is failing as a leader” can become “We need more leadership from the President position.”

Family businesses often do not implement structures that could prevent conflict. Suggestions regarding setting up a family constitution, holding regular family councils, or annual family assemblies are often met with resistance. “We don’t have time” or “I don’t want to mix family and business” are two of many reasons cited not to formalize the family’s interactions with the business and ownership dimensions. Even more resistance can be felt when the suggestion is to bring in an “outsider” in the form of a “family expert,” as many see this as unnecessary at best and a threat at worst. Attitudes persist that “good families” don’t need help. Unfortunately, most wait until problems have festered for years or decades and much damage has already been done.

A recent conversation will illustrate this sad situation. The author had a family business owner referred for possible consultation due to the fact that three siblings were beginning to “lawyer-up” for a fight over the assets of the parent’s estate and business holdings. The discussion was about how the siblings had reached the point where two had retained lawyers and the third was feeling compelled to “do something.” As we discussed the situation, the brother decided that it was unlikely that he could engage his co-owner siblings in a consulting process. He stated forlornly, “We should have had you come in years ago.” It is a sad comment family business consultants hear far too often.

When families are passive about the family issues, when they delay acknowledging tensions, and do not avail themselves of quality help, they often allow resentment, bitterness, conflict, and separation to grow and congeal. Businesses develop plans, engage in strategic thinking, hire experts to assist them . . . families deserve no less consideration and support. 

“Strong fences make good neighbors.”  Old Saying

“Love thy neighbor, yet don’t pull down your hedge.” Benjamin Franklin

Robert Frost, in his poem “Mending Wall” bemoans the division that barriers represent. He indicates “something there is that doesn’t love a wall, that wants it down.” Most of us, especially in our families can agree. We want connection, not separation. But . . .

Handling Conflict

Family members need to understand what it means to be a good bystander. When humans experience conflict they often respond in one of three basic ways: avoid, freeze, or fight. When a family member sees conflict between two other family members, the tendency is to try to determine who’s right or assess who needs their loyalty or protection. This usually serves to broaden the fight from a two-person problem to a three-person problem, or even a whole-family problem.

Yes, there are times when assessing and acting if someone behaves in an unfair, unethical, or aggressive way—and confronting that issue—is necessary. But with most family conflicts the problems are less black and white and usually come from real differences in opinion, experience, or coping strategies. 

How to Protect the Family: Structure and Process for Family Businesses

Researchers have found that families benefit from structure, routine, planning, and communication. Recent attention in the news to findings like the positive impact of families who eat at least four meals together a week would be one example. Family businesses benefit from these structures as well. Here are some of the vehicles that family firms use to protect and help the family succeed:

Family Constitution or Mission: A document created to state the family’s values and goals. Used to continue to provide an anchorage for the family to return to as the family business grows and changes.

Annual meetings: Annual events, often combined with a family reunion, to engage the family and inform them of the strategic planning and performance of the family business.

Family Councils: A representative group meeting regularly to develop plans, policies and procedures for the family business; with a particular focus on creating good communication and interrelationship between the business and the family.

Succession Planning: A process to create a plan to guide, sustain, and promote the health of the family and business as ownership, management, and family roles change and pass from one generation to the next.

Sadly, the old adage, "those who don't plan . . . plan to fail" is still often proved true, even  often in the modern day family business where information and resources are widely available. 

Help your family business or the family businesses you serve. Get our free eBook: Family Legacy.