Disappointment . . . and a Job Well Done

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Disappointing Your Parents

I’ve been contemplating lately the role of disappointment . . . as a parent.

For example, I am sure some of the life choices my wife and I have made undoubtably were disappointments to our parents. Things like turning down jobs (several times) at the college where my parents worked for 51 years. Perhaps choosing to homeschool our six children. Maybe others. Fortunately, we were blessed with parents that have what behavioral health professionals call “good boundaries” —also what we used to call “minding your own business”—and any disappointments they may have felt were not passed on to us. Thank you Mom and Dad on both sides!

Being the Disappointed

Now, the “shoe is on the other foot.” I am the aging parent with adult children. My wife and I, recognizing the “gift” of not being burdened with our parents disappointments,* if any, are careful to not dump our emotional churning on our children. (Note to my children: No, none of you have “been disappointments” to us as parents. We remain, very blessed to have kids making great choices and doing great things with their lives.)

I bring this up to share the following . . . the very fact that your children make choices that disappoint you* may be an indicator that you have actually done a good job as a parent! Your children are independent. They are learning and growing. They are taking on the challenges of life. They make make mistakes, but who doesn’t? Well done.

Remembering Your Boundaries . . . Internally and Externally: An Example

An little aside: I like stories. They are great tutors. Whether great literature, oral history, or a pithy example . . . I used to love “Drama in Real Life” in Reader’s Digest. It was the first thing I read. So, I remember, and tell, stories. They help me understand and grow . . . here’s one of mine to, hopefully, help make the point and make it memorable for you. Incidentally, I asked my kid permission to share this . . . . (yes, I am making a point!)

One of my terrific kids was on the brink of making a decision that could have been tabled a “disappointment.” It started one day when he came to me and said, “Dad, I talked to my boss and he’s okay with my plan to leave the company and go to Denmark for a year.” He was nineteen. Nineteen! He also was a homeschooled kid and had never lived anywhere except in our home. In fact, I don’t know that he had ever been away from us for more than a day or two.

My mind raced . . . “WHAT! YOU TALKED TO YOUR BOSS BEFORE YOU TALKED TO US?” (I don’t know about you, but the voice in my head at these times feels often quite LOUD and worth of all caps!) “DENMARK, THAT”S CRAZY!” (my internal voice isn’t very reasonable either) “I THINK THIS IS ‘CAUSE THAT GIRL DUMPED YOU!” Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of practice and not spewing—as a human volcano—but recognize these as an indicator to “go cautiously.” Outwardly, I focused on asking questions and listening. “Why Denmark?” and “What would you be doing?” finally, “Do you know anyone in Denmark?” I told him, that I loved Europe (true) and enjoyed traveling and studying there as a young man. (also true) Then I basically shut up . . . and waited. For four . . . long, long . . . days.

After those four—did I mention “long?”—days, I broached the subject again. “Can I talk to you about the Denmark thing?” I asked. I reiterated what I had said earlier, essentially, that I loved Europe, thought traveling abroad is a great thing to do as a young person, and that I knew the final choice was his. (Note external boundary here—he was legally an adult.) I also told him that going to Denmark seemed like a big step and that I would like him to consider a smaller step first. I told him that his mother and I travelled, twice, to Europe but that we had each other, and even then we cut our second trip short (after two months) and came home. I reminded him that he had never lived on his own and I suggested some possible smaller steps.

Then . . . what seemed like a miracle . . . my son replied, “Well, I already decided, after we discussed it, that this was a mistake . . . and I should do something smaller. I’ve decided to travel around the Midwest and work on local farms.” (A movement, apparently, called WWOOFing.) My mind, already rejoicing with relief, laughed, thinking “We really didn’t discuss it. I simply let you talk.” I also noted to my surprise, “Wow my kid’s a lot smarter than I give him credit for!” A fact I never would have discovered if I unleashed my fear of being disappointed by the decision.

Boundaries are easy to talk about hard in practice.

Parents as Owners in Family Business . . . Beware!

If you are a family business owner, you need to engage in this same process . . . of separating from and allowing independence. Let the kids learn. Let them make choices. Support but don’t criticize. Turn over control. (No, really!) Become an advisor. Demonstrate good boundaries and an appropriate “distance” within the business. Be ready to step in as a safety net . . . but only with the consent of your kids . . . and not too soon (safety nets do not, after all, leap up to catch a tightrope walker do they?) . . . lest you rob them of the opportunity to overcome a real or perceived threat to the business, learn, and become strong leaders.

* In talking about disappointments, I am referring simply to choices. Choices that you, as a parent, may not agree are the best choices. I am not talking about ignoring potentially catastrophic decisions —such as addiction, criminal behavior, still living in the basement, or other life-altering and threatening choices. Too often, this requires a totally different set of actions . . . and more stringent boundaries as well.

Free Resource: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

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Estranged family member? Tips for reclamation . . . or preventing family erosion.

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He got right to the point. "Everyone has already 'lawyered-up' and no one, but me, has talked to my older brother in over four years." The brother had called me at the recommendation of his counselor. "I feel like this has torn the family apart. Once this is over, I don't know if any of us will ever see him again."  It was a story I'd heard before and a story that is far too common. The comment was made by a man who was facing a legal fight with his siblings over the family business assets and fearing that the separation with his older brother would become a permanent chasm within the family.

So, it got me to thinking, what tips would I give to families with an estranged family member after more than 25 years of working with families? What works? What doesn't work? What are some of the common mistakes? No that's too much. How about just some basic tips. Yes, that might be helpful . . . more  on those tips in a moment . . . .

There are few things more painful than being estranged from family members. Families in business are certainly not immune--and may even be at higher risk--due to the proximity and engagement often demanded in a family business.

Once a separation begins, it can be very hard to mend the family "fabric" or even to stop the expansion of the separation that can threaten the integrity of the family and perhaps the business.

Who do family members call when they recognize a weakness or rip has started? Generally, no one. In my experience, efforts will be undertaken by the family itself without any outside help . . . if they do seek help it often is not until the pain of the problems get worse--much worse. Generally the divisions go back 5-7 years (or more) before help is sought. It is at that point, often when the family, business, or both, are facing a crisis that family members begin to talk to their advisors.

Who do they talk to?  Whom ever they trust. Often friends, lawyers, accountants, bankers, business consultants . . . But . . . if the problem is really a family issue, who should they talk to? Probably someone with extensive experience with family systems. Unfortunately, that generally means going to "see a shrink" but many won't go because "they''re not crazy" and sadly, if they do go, many mental health professionals will treat this like any other referral for depression, anxiety, etc. It's not their faulty, it's what the medical model has encouraged and the insurance companies will allow.

What I mean by the "medical model" and "insurance" comments is that what families need (extensive interviewing, development of a plan of action, perhaps a family retreat or other "non-medical" interventions) are not part of the typical outpatient practice nor are they items that can be billed to insurance. Therefore, few professionals are aware of, or have any experience with, helping extended family systems--particularly with the complexities of a family in business together.

So, given the fact that most will not seek help until the problem has reached a crisis, and even then, many do not get adequate help . . . let's offer a few tips for family members based on 25-plus years of working with families . . . 

1. You can't force someone-even a relative-to have a relationship with you. You can make it easier or harder for them to connect with you, get through difficult periods, or take the risk of reconnecting after a loss of trust..

2. Okay, in some cases you can force people. But it's not a sign of a healthy or sustainable relationship. This forced relationship is called by many names . . . control, domestic violence, or abuse. Once the person finds the courage to escape from this forced relationship they are not likely to willingly return. (However, this leaving may take years and repeated approximations of leaving before a final "break.")

3. The core problem that leads to a separation is typically between two people. It can of course spread to become an "all out war"--think of the Hatfields and McCoys. Keep it, to the best of your ability, between the two people. We call this being a "good bystander" to conflict. Hold each person accountable for their actions. Don't take sides. Refuse to be drawn into the "blame game." See the problem as a problem not as a defect in one or the other.

4. What I mean in #3 is that if you see the conflict in terms of "right and wrong" or "what is fair or just" then you will probably turn the problem into a family war not a problem between two people. After all, most of us want to protect the injured party and hold the perpetrator accountable. But unless there is a clear incident(s) where one party is responsible for the harm it often is a situation of "two different stories" about the events that have led to the problem. Be sure one party is responsible. Don't be quick to take a side. Always operate based on what you have observed not what you are told.

5. Although the best default is a neutral stance, there are times real issues (anger, alcoholism, abuse) are at the core of the problems. If this is the case--and you have personally experienced this--then tell it "like it is." Tell the person that you see these problems and hope that they will address them if they really want things to improve. Don't blame your opinion on the other party--none of this "you know they have a point." Own it as your own observation. You may get cut off but things don't improve if these behaviors are enabled. Have the courage to "do the right thing" gently even if it means you lose the relationship.

6. True or not. Healing begins with individuals taking as much accountability as possible for their own part in the conflict. Along the lines of: "While I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. Maybe my actions, when seen from your viewpoint, were, in fact, disrespectful." But it myst be authentic. If the party is not trying to see their part in the problem and focused on addressing that . . . then they are likely simply trying a gambit to move past the conflict while still blaming the other person. It rarely works. The other person may be fooled temporarily but we are really good generally at seeing the trends over time and the truth will leak out.

7. Rebuilding trust takes time . . . often, a long time . . . and you typically only get one chance. Don't blow it. I am often surprised by people who tell me that rebuilding the relationship is "the most important thing they want" and then I watch as they allow their frustration and anger to prevent any progress. They demand immediate reclamation of the relationship. They blame the other for not being willing to take risks on their preferred schedule. Often it's fear. The thinking often is, "If I don't make it happen now then it will never happen!". The hard thing is, they may be right. I ask them if the real goal is to "hang a plaque" saying "I tried everything I could but they wouldn't let me in!" or to increase the probability of having a relationship. Despite what they say, their actions will tell the story of what they really want. Think of this time as a "temporary sabbatical" and focus on "leaving the door cracked open" so a reunion is possible.

8. Finally, choose your advisors carefully! Make sure they have the expertise to help with family issues.  I just have to say a word about any advisors/mediators you use to help you in this reclamation project. They need to understand human systems at a deep level. Many, sadly, reenforce the blame game and may be unwilling or unaware of addressing deeper issues that keep the parties stuck. They need to be absolutely committed to the possibility of reconciliation but humble enough to know that even they cannot control the parties in the conflict--or guarantee the outcome of those parties.  If parties refuse to reconcile, the expert can help confirm and clarify the consequences of the choice and guide family members to keep this decision from turning the family life into a "world war." This may. at times, allow other family members the right to make a different choice. "I know you don't want to see our older/younger brother but I am not going to cut either of you out of my life." and help the family accept each person's right to choose.

The caller sounded hopeless about changing the siblings minds on going to court. He acknowledged that they should have done something "four years ago" and they might have avoided this estrangement. The end of the call came when the brother noted, "I'll talk to my other siblings, and call you back if we can do something, but I think it's gone too far to turn back." He went on to say that the court date had been set and he couldn't see them backing down to try something else at this point. When I contacted him later--not having heard back from him--it turned out that he was right. No one saw a way to "restart" the process and avoid court. 

Sadly, re-engagement with the family, in this case, may take a very long time; it is possible-maybe even likely-that it doesn't happen at all. I hope they are fortunate enough to het another chance. So, if you are facing threats to the family act now. Engage the problems. The old adage "the best defense is a good offense" applies. The best way to repair broken relationships in the family is to not let them get broken in the first place. But if they do, these tips can help maximize the opportunity to reconnect.

If you are a member of a family business, or interested in family business issues, feel free to download our free eBook: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

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Family Legacy: Protecting the family in business. Free eBook.